The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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