an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You dont lie about slip and slides
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize