I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
