bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
