you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
