Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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