Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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