Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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