At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
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