Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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