I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
