I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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