he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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