why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
