shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
