Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Randomize