i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
