Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
