i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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