what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
