Yo dont text me then not text me
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
