Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
