I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
