Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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