i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize