Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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