: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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