so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
