I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
