The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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