seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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