Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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