i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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