I cockslap morals
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
