Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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