I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
