just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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