So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
