my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im six kinds of drunk right now
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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