I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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