I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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