so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
