Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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