i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We left an ass print on the piano.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize