Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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