I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
