I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
