k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize