i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
