I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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