I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
