im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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