is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
