Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
