If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
