I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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