How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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