Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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